I am browsing posts from 2006 today
Feb. 11th, 2011 04:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bunrab...because for some peculiar reason Johns Hopkins has decided to sue me for money they claim I owe them from 2006 - which, since that whole debacle was their own damn fault, they were supposed to eat the costs of. I figure the fastest way to show a judge why I don't owe them for their own mistakes is to print out my journal entries, which will include names of all the doctors, etc.
I am coping. I am managing. I hate being alone. I am still hoping to talk a niece or nephew - or even a friend - into coming and living with me. There are heavier chores of housekeeping that I can't manage - vacuuming, mopping, taking out the recycling - and it would be nice to have someone do them. I keep telling my nieces and nephews, if you're considering grad school, look at ones in Maryland - within a 25 minute drive from me, there are some 30 universities, and half a dozen of them are less than 10 minutes away. Free room and some board, in exchange for what would be, for a young healthy person, extremely easy housekeeping. I can manage all of the kitchen cleaning other than the floors, and likewise the bathrooms, and I've never given a damn about dusting the knick-knacks or the bookshelves. So surely there's someone out there who would like a largish bedroom with two closets, furnished, including a desk; access to my FiOS TV and internet, the serving of my home cooking a few times a week? So far, though, I haven't had any takers on that. Can any of you think of what else I should be saying/offering to lure someone in? I do NOT want to take in a total stranger as a boarder, putting out ads or notices at the colleges or something - that's just too dangerous. It's got to be at least as close as a "friend of a friend" - in other words, someone that somebody I know, knows well.
Besides that, what can I say? Every day is still accompanied by a chant in the back of my head that goes "But Steve's not here." The new car is nice - but Steve's not here. The weather is improving a little - but Steve's not here. I've figured out how to use the roof rake - but that was supposed to be for Steve. I make a cup of tea - and Steve was with me when I bought that particular tea. Every day, it's the first time I've had this particular day of the year without Steve, and it hurts.
There was an article in the WaPo a couple weeks ago, that I hated - the writer was saying that grief counseling and grief support groups don't really do any good and aren't necessary, and that oh, hey, any normal person is pretty much ready to get over it and move on by six months. I wanted to find that writer and slap him silly. Just what we need - someone to make us feel guilty or abnormal if we're not ready to "move on" in only a few months after losing the largest part of our life???
Yeah, after 6 months I am not crying in public quite as often - I sometimes get through the supermarket without even sniveling as I pass the slivered almonds that Steve always bought for his cereal - and I've figured out how to do most of the daily chores that Steve did, though I am not doing them as well as he did, or as often. But that's not "getting past it." That's just managing to stay alive.
I did start attending a grief support group just recently, and that will give me a chance to talk more, as I want to, without worrying about being too depressing for people who haven't had the same blow. I know that all y'all say, oh, Kelly, of course you can keep talking to us about it - but even though you say it's OK, I start feeling guilty about being such a downer all the time. With the grief support group, hey, everybody's already down, we can all snivel together harmoniously without worrying that we are ruining someone else's good mood.
Luckily, Steve and I never made a really big fuss about Valentine's Day - yeah, we'd find funny cards for each other, and a couple of times Steve bought me new charms from James Avery for my charm bracelet - but we never did a whole big expensive romantic dinner or elaborate diamond jewelry or all that crap - so Monday will not be as difficult to get through as December and New Year's were. And the Tuba-Euphonium Conference a couple weeks ago, which was both difficult and very good to go to at the same time. V-day will be easier than that.
And how are YOU?
I am coping. I am managing. I hate being alone. I am still hoping to talk a niece or nephew - or even a friend - into coming and living with me. There are heavier chores of housekeeping that I can't manage - vacuuming, mopping, taking out the recycling - and it would be nice to have someone do them. I keep telling my nieces and nephews, if you're considering grad school, look at ones in Maryland - within a 25 minute drive from me, there are some 30 universities, and half a dozen of them are less than 10 minutes away. Free room and some board, in exchange for what would be, for a young healthy person, extremely easy housekeeping. I can manage all of the kitchen cleaning other than the floors, and likewise the bathrooms, and I've never given a damn about dusting the knick-knacks or the bookshelves. So surely there's someone out there who would like a largish bedroom with two closets, furnished, including a desk; access to my FiOS TV and internet, the serving of my home cooking a few times a week? So far, though, I haven't had any takers on that. Can any of you think of what else I should be saying/offering to lure someone in? I do NOT want to take in a total stranger as a boarder, putting out ads or notices at the colleges or something - that's just too dangerous. It's got to be at least as close as a "friend of a friend" - in other words, someone that somebody I know, knows well.
Besides that, what can I say? Every day is still accompanied by a chant in the back of my head that goes "But Steve's not here." The new car is nice - but Steve's not here. The weather is improving a little - but Steve's not here. I've figured out how to use the roof rake - but that was supposed to be for Steve. I make a cup of tea - and Steve was with me when I bought that particular tea. Every day, it's the first time I've had this particular day of the year without Steve, and it hurts.
There was an article in the WaPo a couple weeks ago, that I hated - the writer was saying that grief counseling and grief support groups don't really do any good and aren't necessary, and that oh, hey, any normal person is pretty much ready to get over it and move on by six months. I wanted to find that writer and slap him silly. Just what we need - someone to make us feel guilty or abnormal if we're not ready to "move on" in only a few months after losing the largest part of our life???
Yeah, after 6 months I am not crying in public quite as often - I sometimes get through the supermarket without even sniveling as I pass the slivered almonds that Steve always bought for his cereal - and I've figured out how to do most of the daily chores that Steve did, though I am not doing them as well as he did, or as often. But that's not "getting past it." That's just managing to stay alive.
I did start attending a grief support group just recently, and that will give me a chance to talk more, as I want to, without worrying about being too depressing for people who haven't had the same blow. I know that all y'all say, oh, Kelly, of course you can keep talking to us about it - but even though you say it's OK, I start feeling guilty about being such a downer all the time. With the grief support group, hey, everybody's already down, we can all snivel together harmoniously without worrying that we are ruining someone else's good mood.
Luckily, Steve and I never made a really big fuss about Valentine's Day - yeah, we'd find funny cards for each other, and a couple of times Steve bought me new charms from James Avery for my charm bracelet - but we never did a whole big expensive romantic dinner or elaborate diamond jewelry or all that crap - so Monday will not be as difficult to get through as December and New Year's were. And the Tuba-Euphonium Conference a couple weeks ago, which was both difficult and very good to go to at the same time. V-day will be easier than that.
And how are YOU?
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no subject
Date: 2011-02-11 10:00 pm (UTC)I wish so hard there was anything I could say that would make it any better. There isn;t and I can't; just know I'm thinking of you.
*hugs*